Waiting...and an invitation

Brandon and I moved to Florida in November of 2006. We bought a home in January 2007, and I soon found a Reproductive Endocrinologist. After more blood tests and examinations than I want to recall, my new doctor put me on a similar plan which included a more synthetic hormone therapy in the form of pharmaceuticals. For almost 2 years, I followed the plan as many prayed and I kept believing that God would help me get pregnant through the knowledge of my doctor. When I sought God through the Word he took me time and time again to Isaiah 55:8&9 "'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the LORD. 'As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.'"

"Yes, God," I thought, "Your thoughts are higher, you're plan is better, I want that. Help me to be still and wait. "Wait upon the Lord," was another popular one that was just as tough to swallow. In prayer and surrender, my heart eventually came around to a place of peace as I waited to hear or see God moving. I took pregnancy test after pregnancy test only to have to pick up the pieces of my broken heart every time. Eventually, I recognized that damage taking a test caused and determined to only be tested at my frequent fertility appointments. These were routine and did not allow me to stare at a plastic stick praying I would see two lines instead of just one.

I cycled through trusting completely in God's timing and being frustrated and angry that so many others could so effortlessly become pregnant while it seemed impossible for me. Eventually, I spent more time trusting in God's timing and love than I did distrusting. Around the end of 2008 or the beginning of 2009 I had a dream. I dreamed I had gone someone near China with my former campus minister, Andy on a mission trip. (In reality, I had gone to China in 2002 with my campus minister and other college students) We had to cross a bridge into the country. Before we left, Andy warned us all that we would encounter hundreds of sick and dying people on the bridge. He firmly told us that though we may want to help them, we must refrain from coming into contact with anyone lest we become ill. Prior to entering the country on the otherside of the bridge, we would be tested. If we tested positive for the sickness, we would not be allowed to enter the country and would be stranded on the bridge. We all agreed.

The bridge was not even 20 feet wide, with the ocean hundreds of feet below it. On both sides we witnessed dying or dead people, some even threw themselves off the bridge to end their suffering. The sight was heart-wrenching. Andy and the others on my team walked several yards ahead of me as I passed a woman, her daughter, and a small boy on my right. The young woman appeared lifeless and the older woman (her mother) held up her grandchild to me. Although I could not understand her words, I knew she begged me to take the baby(around a month old). I could not refuse her plea and leave the baby to such an end. I scooped the baby up in my left arm. The little boy looked up at me through tears and I held my right hand out to him. Hesitantly, he took it and walked with me to Andy who stood dumbfounded. "If they test positive, you will have to leave them. I can't let you stay behind." he told me. "It will be okay," I responded calmly. We arrived at the testing center, the place we would depart to go home. I was tested along with the baby and little boy. We all cleared. I called Brandon and told him I would be bringing home a baby and a little boy. He responded both in gladness and gentleness saying that he would make arrangements for their arrival.

For about 3 months I did not think of the dream. Meanwhile, on facebook, (after about 3 years of no contact) my former campus minister, Andy, messaged me. He told me he had been going around to churches in the area speaking about our trip in 2002 to China and I had been on his mind. He was planning another mission trip to Taiwan in June. He asked that I prayerfully consider joining his team of students.

I was both excited and floored. With only 3-4 months to raise the funds, I thought it was irresponsible to even consider going. Besides, I was married and had just got a new job to help out with our financial situation. After about 2 weeks of prayer, God made it abundantly clear that I was to go. I assumed that meant my husband was to accompany me. He agreed to come and I began fundraising. As the trip drew nearer, I doubted my confirmations I had received from God because I had not raised much money. Then, Brandon found out that he had an inspection at work that he was in charge of. It was scheduled for the end of June--in the middle of the mission trip. Surely I was not supposed to go alone!

Within about 3 weeks of the departure date for the trip, friends, family, and neighboring churches pulled together enough money for my plane ticket. I booked it and started packing. Around this time, Andy forwarded an email to us stating that the English camp at which we would be teachers had been postponed by a week. Therefore, we would need to find somewhere else to serve near Taipei before flying to the island of Kinmen to teach. He had attached an email from a missionary to the bottom.

The email spoke of a safe house for abused children. The missionary, Linda, offered us an affordable place to stay with meals for the time we would be near Taipei. As I read the email, I began to get cold-chills and warm sensations at the same time. For reasons unknown to me, my eyes filled with tears so that I struggled to read the rest of the email. When I reached the bottom I read the closing, Linda's name, and her organization, "Bridge Builders." I called Mom and warned her not to get too excited, but explained my experience and told her I felt as though this trip was somehow connected to my dream and God giving us a child. In spite of my cautioning not to get too excited, she wept joyfully and telling me that she had been feeling the same thing.

Before it began...

    It is so evident, looking back, that God was preparing my husband(Brandon) and I(Lindsey) to be adoptive parents of a child from Asia (specifically) many years ago.  I have had the desire to adopt children as far back as I can remember. With time, that desire grew ever stronger and increasingly more specific. Seeing the path laid out from the time I was a child, I have no doubts that my Heavenly Father pre-ordained it. Leaving out many details, I will try to give you a brief summary of the events leading up to the Promise of a child for us.

Losing Hope...

   Although there were several events preparing us even before we were married, I will spare you an even longer blog. We got married in November 2004, after having agreed we would wait 2-3 years before trying to have children. A year went by, and my desire to be a mother was growing beyond what I could contain, but after discussing it, we once again decided to wait.  Another year went by, and after weeks of calling out to God about my overwhelming desire to get off the Pill, I carefully brought up the idea to Brandon. [I had been on the Pill since I was 16 years old due to some health problems.]  A co-worker, who had emotionally supported me through my discussing it with Brandon, got off the Pill around the same time. She had news about 2 months later that she was expecting! I was not.  Nine months later, she had a beautiful little girl. I had hoped I was pregnant a couple times, but to my dismay, l was not. 

  By this time, I noticed my body was feeling and acting strange, so we decided to go see and an Endocrinologist (a doctor who deals specifically with hormonal problems).  After a few appointments, my doctor informed me that the blood samples he had taken showed some imbalances and his main concern was that I my have a prolactinoma-a (usually) benign tumor that grows in the brain when prolactin (a reproductive hormone) is too high. He assured me that in most cases, there is nothing to worry about. Nevertheless, we were worried. 

   My MRI showed no tumors. Relieved, we began a treatment plan with pharmaceuticals to try and balance out my hormones. I had no idea why I was on the medicines, but I took them as prescribed. My doctor assured me that within a few months, I should be able to get pregnant.  After another nine months or so, my doctor confessed to me that he really wasn't sure what was going on with my hormones because my symptoms were "not textbook" or anything he had seen before. Fear began to grip my heart.  I knew God had placed in me the desire to be a mother. As my mother reminded me, I tried to hold onto the belief that He would not give me such a strong desire only to leave me aching for the rest of my life. My faith in His unfailing love began to waiver.

  It came time to PCS (move on US Air Force orders). Busy with moving preparations, I buried my desire and ignored the ache in my heart. Then one day, a couple of days before we moved, I asked Brandon to take me to a jewelry sale (my girlfriend went on about the lovely treasures she had found for cheap, besides, it was almost our anniversary).  I saw a dazzling white-gold ring with a lovely garnet inset, my birthstone, cut into a heart. Brandon saw the twinkle in my eye and told my to try it on. I did, and it fit. Looking it over, admiring the delicate metalwork, I noticed a cut-out inscription, "MOM" and 3 hearts. My countenance fell. It was beautiful, and I thought it was there just for me, but after seeing the word "Mom" on it, I knew it must have been my mistake. I may never be a mom and if I were, it would be many years down the road. I quickly put it down, swallowing the stabbing pain in my heart. Brandon saw what happened, but didn't understand why my demeanor changed so suddenly. "It's expensive." I said, trying to hide my true disappointment. He raised an eyebrow, he knew there was more. I showed him the inscription, "We don't know how long that will take, it's just not appropriate for me right now." I put it down and decided to find something else I liked. I quickly forced the pain deep into the recesses of my heart and found a lovely charm bracelet. 

  Days later, on our anniversary, (Brandon had already bought me the bracelet, so I expected nothing) he gave me a small box. I looked opened it to see the gorgeous garnet ring, more lovely than I remembered. With a tear in my eye, I looked at Brandon inquisitively. "I snuck back to the store. I know you aren't a mom yet, but I really believe God is going to give us a child." His loving gift paired with his gently reassuring words were a healing balm on my aching heart. I smiled and cried.  His faith gently pulled mine to it's feet and I began to pray in faith.